That question is much tougher to answer than the physical question. Overall, I believe I’m doing well. It’s a daily journey for sure. I know that’s a cliché thing to say, but it’s true none the less.
Most days I do well keeping my focus on one day at a time, and stay away from worrying about tomorrow, a month away, or a year away. Honestly, that’s the best way for me to be at peace and feel ok. Ironically, that is the very command Jesus gives us over and over. I’ve always known it, and pretty much ignored it. I mean, after all, I’m a planner. One of the strengths I bring to a team is the ability to generally broadcast a vision for the future. Surely that means I get some sort of exemption for the “Don’t worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has enough worry for itself.”
But I don’t. And it’s not because of cancer that I had to change. It’s because I was relying on myself far too much, and still try to. The cancer is simply a tool God is using to make me face some realities about myself, Him, and what it means to follow Him in this world. But it didn’t require me to have cancer to figure it out. I just ignored it. Now that I have cancer, God is graciously using it to teach me things He has said all along.
I get sad at times. I get scared at times. Early on, I cried quite a bit, and still do here and there. There are days and weeks that I am at peace with all of it and know that God is good, I am loved, and that He is walking me through this. There are moments that the knowledge of those truths gets overwhelmed by sadness or fear.
I do know that the diagnosis hasn’t changed the reality of my life. God tells us in Psalm 139 that He numbers our days before we are born. He tells us that we can’t add a day to our lives regardless of how much we worry. Cancer doesn’t somehow shorten my life or cheat me of days. It is a part of my life and story, and an opportunity to experience God’s work in some different ways. I can tell you that when people pray for me, Jill, and the girls, I can honestly feel it’s effect. It’s pretty amazing. That is something we can do that does have a real time impact on another’s life.
I don’t like being tired, because I’m not a huge fan of sitting. But I am learning to rest, which is completely different than just sitting. I am learning to grieve. I knew some of it before, and am learning much more about it now.
I am working to learn how to redefine who I think I am. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore because of the layers of changes in what I can do right now (cancer + Covid = MASSIVE changes). But that’s only in my own definition of me, not God’s or Jill’s or anyone else’s. So I know that’s an internal issue, and am seeking wisdom about it.
I recognize how rambling this answer is, but it accurately matches where my emotions are. They ramble in curvy lines. Emotions are not aerodynamic. They never have been. I’m learning to ramble along with them, curving here and there, and seeing things from an every changing point of view. If you would be willing to, I continue to ask people to pray for healing for me, and to pray for peace for me, Jill, and my family. Peace from God makes an UNBELIEVABLE difference in these times. Thank you to each of you who are praying with me and for me. It is paying off.